Wherein, I give up even trying for a weekly post!

Oh wow, it’s been a crazy few weeks. Just crazy. And, for the most part, there’s not be a lot of happy news.

1) Cadet has had his first-ever ear infection. I feel somewhat thankful that we made it to 2.5 years without one, although I hate that he had to experience one. At first, he had a tiny runny nose. A little bit of a cough. I thought it was allergies due to the changing weather. No fever. No hacking cough. And his eyes were watering for no reason. So, allergies, right?  NOPE!  One night, Cadet completely melted down. He cried for two hours. No fever. No reason. Just crying. It took him a while to get to sleep. Then he woke at 2am, wanting to climb into bed with us (which is rare). He and I fell asleep on the couch for a while, after some tussling with Em in the bedroom. When Cadet woke in the morning, he was still crying. And this is a kid who rarely cries. He’s a happy kid. All he wanted to do was snuggle in bed..my mama alarm went off. I decided to try going to OT, on the off chance he just needed some sensory input. Nope, he just wanted to be rocked. So, off to the doctor we went. Dr. Smiles was shocked to see Cadet is such a bad mood. But, a quick look, and we had a diagnosis…double ear infection. Anti-biotics and pain reliever for him. And lots of sleep. He’s finally feeling much better.

2) McRuger had part of a tooth break off last week. We had just finished seeing Noah (don’t bother, it was pretty bad), and having Vietnamese food, and one of his molars literally just chipped off. He didn’t have any pain until yesterday. Turns out he had a major cavity and was very close to needing a root canal, but it was finally decided to not go in that direction.

3)  I got sick several days after Cadet was diagnosed. It went from some mild throat pain to major throat pain over the course of a week. I didn’t get an ear infection, but a throat/tonsil infection. I basically haven’t been able to eat or drink much for the last 5 days. I’ve never had to take pain meds for an infection before, but this time I was in so much pain, I needed them. McRuger had to take 3 days off to help care for Cadet. After taking a series of swabs and culturing them, turns out it was a nasty viral infection…not bacterial. So, the antibiotics I was put on (and vomited from), weren’t actually doing much good. Today, is the first day I have felt relatively normally in quite some time (and I had to take two naps!). McRuger is being such an amazing helper: dishes, laundry, fixing dinner, caring for Cadet, dealing with my moaning, and even doing the shopping! This is all in the midst of one of his busiest times at work.

4) McRuger’s family is planning a huge gathering this summer, the first in 5 years. Sadly Molly (SIL), who is organizing it, didn’t bother to take into consideration one of my main scheduling issues…so it’s become a huge, stressful debate about who’s schedule is more important. Some of you may remember the planning debacle that was her wedding.  Plus, she just informed us that she and her family want to stay with us for a week in less than a month (for a family wedding). She has started issuing orders about what I “should have ready”. Ummmm, okay…no.

5) We’ve had several conversations with MsJ. Things are not going well in her life. I’m not going to get into all the details, but here’s the briefest of summaries: she’s pregnant again (16 weeks), the pregnancy is high-risk because of her age and a risk for pre-eclampsia, she married the father of the baby (a man with some serious issues), they were homeless for the better part of the holidays through February (due to her new husband’s gambling addiction), she doesn’t have a job and is supposed to be on bed rest, and she thinks her husband is cheating on her with his ex (the ex is also pregnant). There’s more, but that’s the summary. We ended up sending her some money, because she wanted to leave her husband, but that ended up not happening. On the plus side, Cadet and MsJ actually has a bit of a conversation, and that was pretty amazing. Frankly, both McRuger and I are at a loss as to how best to help her. Money clearly isn’t going to help, but we don’t know what can do.

6) Last week, we got a bill from Cadet’s school for over $6,000 dollars. For some reason, they just decided to back-bill us for a whole bunch of stuff that they never told us we’d be charged for. I’ve heard from several other parents that the received a similar bill. We are all fighting it, because the school’s lack of a competent financial officer, shouldn’t be a punishment for us.

7) On a recent call to our credit card company, it was brought to our attention that we have a TON of “points” saved up. McRuger and I looked into it, and it was decided that using those points, we’d get some gift cards to a electronics store and get me a new iPad. I’ve had my iPad for 3 years, and while it’s working okay…I use it enough to need more storage and faster speeds. So, once the gift cards arrived, McRuger bought me a brand new iPad mini. I love it. It’s got tons of storage, and fits in my purse!

8) My mom came for a short visit (she was attending a local conference). She got to watch the first episode of the new season of  Game of Thrones with us. That was a ton of fun. We made some great plans for our trip to their house for Easter.

9) Speaking of plans, Easter is going to be fun. We’re heading to the farm. McRuger is taking two days off, so it will be a 4-day weekend for us. My parents are going to watch Cadet one afternoon so McRuger and I can go on a date. That should be fun, as McRuger has never really explored that area with me. Sadly, my favorite restaurant just closed, so I’m going to have to scout around for something new and exciting.

10) For the first time in years my car had a flat tire this morning. I think it was tired of the three (yes, 3) visits I’ve made to my doctor over the past 9 days. McRuger discovered it as he was running out for groceries. He took it in to the local shop. It was at that point that he also discovered that all the other tired were within 3-4 months of needing to be re-tread. Funny, I had just taken it into the dealer, and they said the tires were fine (but I’m not sure they had checked). But, McRuger (not a gullible guy) looked at the evidence and concluded that I needed all new tires.

11) Well, those are the highlights/lowlights. It’s another early-t0-bed night for me….the zillionth this moth, it seems.

Categories: Adoption, Cadet, Choices, health, Household, McRuger | 5 Comments

A text from MsJ.

Last night I got a text from MsJ. It was only three sentences, but at least we know she’s okay. She thanked me for wishing her a happy birthday and said she really needed it. She said she’s going through quite a bit right now and for us to keep her in our prayers

My response: “MsJ!!!! Thank you for reaching out! You are always in our prayers. If there is anything we can do to help, please let me know! We love you like family!”

As I’ve done before, please send out some good thoughts/prayers for MsJ. She needs every bit of help she can get. Can’t we all?

I know she must be going through a lot. The warrant for her arrest hasn’t been lifted, so I assume that she’s still in violation of parole. But, I couldn’t care less about that right now. MsJ reached out and I’m so happy about that!!!



Categories: Adoption, Cadet, thoughts | 6 Comments

My stuffed brain

To be honest, I’m having a hard time keeping up with everything going on in my life right now. Nothing bad, nothing good, just a lot.

McRuger and I have been in serious talks about what the future holds for our family. Specifically, building our family. Our home study is coming up for an update and we are getting almost no potential matches from our agency. We started down the road to get our update complete, and our home study agency LOST our paperwork for our FBI/DOJ clearances. That would be the SECOND time in as many years. They are, frankly, incompetent. So, I spoke with our attorney and she suggested another agency they work with. We are in talks with that agency to just switch our home study update to them. But, it means money, time, and a whole bunch of paperwork.

We are also (crazily enough) looking back into foster care. I had a conversation with a friend (also a social worker) with the county. She and I have been friends for years, and said that lots of things have changed. They are having a hard time placing sibling groups and are looking for adoptive homes for siblings. She mentioned that adoptive homes are becoming much more difficult to place in, as people are way too particular about what sort of kids they want. They mentioned a sibling group of 3, all girls, all under 5…and they can’t find an adoptive home. She’s got tons of fost/adopt homes, but can’t place in them because the families are just too restrictive.

And, at the same time, there’s some talk about working with donor embryos and trying to get pregnant.

So, it’s not as if we don’t have a lot to talk about….


In addition, this weekend was also MsJ’s birthday. We went out to Chinese food and took a family walk in a park to celebrate the life of a woman to whom we owe so much. We talked to Cadet about her, although I know he doesn’t have the vocab to understand, I wanted her story told on her birthday! I also sent her an e-mail wishing her a happy birthday and asking her to let us know if she’s okay. There’s been no word from MsJ. Her cell phone is no longer working, and I have no idea if she’s getting my emails. My heart sinks every time I think of what she might be going through.


And, on top of everything else…my Etsy store made over a hundred dollar last week! And looks like I’m on-track for another profit-making week as well. It’s kind of amazing that people are interested in things I make! And that kiddos will be playing with them for Easter!! I only really craft while Cadet is asleep, so my crafting time is limited. However, I do try to add new items to my store every few days or so. And, so far, things seem to be working out. I even have a few custom requests that I am working on.


In the meantime, life continues pretty normally. Cadet is learning at an extraordinary rate. His newest phrase is “oh geez”…and it’s so adorable. He’ll be having a hard time doing something and say “oh geez” with an exasperated sigh. No idea where he learned it, but it’s freaking cute!! And we’re going to start potty training soon. He’s showing all the signs of being ready, and I’m looking forward to being free of daytime diapers at some point in the future.

Categories: Adoption, Cadet, Celebrations, Choices | 8 Comments

Feathers in my underwear.

One of the really great things about McRuger’s chosen profession is that he can (potentially) work from anywhere. A decent internet connection, a quiet place, a telephone, some caffeine and McRuger is set to go. He has co-workers/friends who work(ed) in the United Kingdom, Asia, and most of Western Europe.

And part of McRuger’s daily/weekly life is getting calls/e-mails from various recruiters or even former co-workers asking if he’s looking for a job. He’s been recruited for jobs in New York, Seattle, China, and everywhere in-between. Every time one of these job offers, I encourage McRuger to look into it. Not to apply for it, but just for us both to think how our life would change.

Now, don’t get me wrong, McRuger LOVES his job. Just ask him about it some day, and he’ll wax lyrical about how much fun he has doing his work…not fun with his co-workers…but the actual work is enjoyable to him. And, I must say, he’s pretty darn good at it. I have been known to be jealous of how much he loves being at his office and working. It’s amazing that my husband loves his job and gets paid very well to do it. It’s not often that passion and a healthy paycheck coincide. Growing up, my own father hated his job and still hates it (as he’s still working there). And I have plenty of friends/relatives who work insane hours at jobs they aren’t passionate about just to survive.

So, we’ve talked about living in New York, Portland, Seattle, Philadelphia, China, Japan, India, Brazil, and said “no” to looking further into any of them…no matter how tempting they might be (I LOVE Seattle and Portland). But, tonight, a job posting was brought to McRuger’s attention by a friend of a friend…in Amsterdam. Europe. I’ve always wanted to live in Europe…doesn’t really matter where. And suddenly, my mind was alive with possibilities. The ability to visit friends I have in Ireland (hi Fran!!), the relative ease of traveling to Italy or Switzerland to visit relatives, and the delight of learning about a new place. Oh, yeah, and free Waldorf education for Cadet. Plus, living in one of the most tolerant cities in the world would be pretty awesome. Let’s face it, it’s no secret, I love to travel. I love the feeling of being in a new place and exploring all that it has to offer. And a 9 hour car trip to visit Switzerland…that’s SO Much better than a 9 hour car trip.

McRuger almost instantly dismissed it, for several reasons. First, it’s with a company that isn’t very well known yet, which means more potential risk. Second, it would almost certainly mean we wouldn’t adopt a second child. Thirdly, it would mean a tremendous about upheaval in our lives…new house, new language, new currency, and new friends.

And, even though he’s right about all of those things, my mind is still racing with ideas. It would mean so much change…but would it be worth it? For us? For Cadet? For McRuger’s career? And the idea of living in Europe…well, I’m going to have a hard time getting to sleep tonight.


If you’re wondering where the blog title came from, it’s funny….as I was thinking about writing this post I was having this horrible itch on my lower belly, it was feather from my pillow. Laundry does strange things sometimes.

Of course, it could have a double-meaning…all about wanting to secretly travel more. But, nah…it’s late and I’m not that clever..am I?

Categories: Cadet, Household, Marriage, McRuger, travel | 7 Comments

Far too long.

Yes, I know. It’s been far too long since I last posted. I had a post all ready to be posted, but then Cadet and McRuger got hammered with some strange flu (more on that later). I’ve been home…cleaning, parenting, cooking, crafting, and doing a bit of gardening. But, I haven’t been on the computer that much, which is where I blog.

So what has happened in the last few weeks?

  • I spoke to MsJ’s parole officer. Due to privacy, she wasn’t able to give me much information. However, we did speak about generalities about what the future might hold (it’s not good). Basically, the longer she’s a fugitive, the harsher the punishment. I asked the parole officer to pass on a message to MsJ in the event that she’s arrested and she hasn’t made contact with us. The message stated that Cadet is happy and healthy, and that we’d love to hear from her (MsJ). I felt better knowing that I had made contact with the parole officer, but even more worried for MsJ.
  • I have stopped texting MsJ, as her phone is now disconnected. I have sent her several e-mails/letters, but still no word.
  • Cadet dislocated his elbow again. Or technically, I dislocated his elbow again. He was having a tantrum because I wouldn’t let him go outside in his PJs while it was raining. I was holding him and carrying him to the living room. He went limp in my arms and I wasn’t paying attention to his body position as I should have been. I grabbed him by the wrist as he was sliding down my body. I felt the pop, and knew it meant a trip to Urgent Care. After a disastrous visit to a new U/C (after waiting 30 minutes a nurse told us: “We don’t *do* dislocations”), we drove the 30 minutes to our normal U/C. I felt like a horrible mom, but the doctor told me that this happens to kids, especially toddlers. Within minutes of her popping it back into place, Cadet was fine.
  • Speaking of Cadet, he’s been having lots of fun with his new kitchen. I must say, the kitchen is of amazing quality and it’s going to last for years. It was a bit of a pain putting it together, but heck…it’s beautiful and functional. So far, Cadet’s favorite thing to do is to wear the “sink” as a hat and drop things in the hole the “sink” left. But, baby steps to pretend play!
  • All last week, Cadet was “off”. He had horrible gas (really unusual) and was crankier than usual. There were no diet changes and no other obvious reasons for it. McRuger and I assumed it was either a growth spurt, a small stomach bug, or a weird reaction to teething. Then, on Friday, after an afternoon of playing in the yard (complete with a picnic dinner), Cadet and I settled on the couch for some reading time. He was hot as blazes. HOT. I took his temperature and it registered at 102.7. Up until then, he’d never had a fever above 102. We gave him a bit of medicine before he went to bed, but later that night woke with another fever. So, that was our weekend…battling fevers. Cadet was behaving relatively normally, but just extra snuggly…and hot. His temp got up to 104.5 at one point…which freaked me out. On Saturday night, McRuger started feeling ill. By Sunday, McRuger was worse…much worse (fever and raging sore throat). Cadet wasn’t doing too bad, but still running fevers. Even on medications, he was having a 100-101 fevers. Monday I got Cadet in to see the doctor. She couldn’t find anything wrong, other than the fevers. He stayed home from school Monday (saw a doctor, who said he was fine…despite the fever, and Tuesday). However, as of today, he hasn’t had a fever in 24 hours, so fingers are crossed.
  • I’ve been slowly…slowly…slowly getting my Etsy shop up and running. So far, I’ve had several sales via my Facebook page, but nothing through my store yet. I’ve been doing lots of felting in the evenings, and it feels nice to finish these small projects. Three of my projects are being auctioned off at Waldorf school fundraisers (one in California, one in Georgia, and one in Colorado). I feel very honored that my works will be helping raise money for education.
  • For Valentine’s Day, McRuger got me a professional house cleaning. The fridge, the shower, the baseboards, the floors, and every surface was wiped down and cleaned. They were here for 4 hours, and when they left, the house was sparkling. It was AWESOME!!! So freaking awesome. Yes, the house is generally pretty tidy, but it was lovely to have someone else do the nitty-gritty stuff. The cleaners are coming back tomorrow to spruce things up for my mom visiting this weekend. I was chatting to some of my local friends, and apparently ALL of them have housecleaners. I was amazed. Where I grew up, housecleaners were only for special events (weddings, funerals, baptisms) or for the wealthy. But, for women in my city and in my tax bracket, it’s a normal thing. How many of you have regular housecleaners come in?
  • Due to the unseasonably warm weather (mid-80s by the weekend), McRuger and I have been working on getting the backyard cleaned for summer. We put in some mulch, cleaned out some dead limbs/vines, and gave everything a good watering. We’re heading into summer with a serious deficit of rain, and it looks like it’s going to be a hot one. So, we’re trying to plan ahead!!
  • No word on Adoption #2. In fact, no word from our local lawyers at all. We finally heard back from our attorney in MissS’s state with our refund. He’s giving back 85% of our deposit, which is more than we were expecting. He said that he felt so bad about how the whole thing happened. McRuger told him that we were just happy to have found good people to work with.
  • I have give my writing some good attention too. I have a few more chapters close to being ready to being readable. It’s been slow-going, but it’s good for me to work on it. The more I write, the more ideas I have (which is potentially distracting). I have a great idea about a post-apocolyptic world…but I digress. One project at a time.
  • And that’s really it. We have a busy few weeks coming up: a visit from my mom (and possibly my dad), a wedding, some friends visiting from out of town, and more hot weather.

How are you all doing?

Categories: Cadet, Family, health, Household, McRuger | 6 Comments

Getting “mama” back.

For those of you who have been following this blog for a while, you know the struggles we’ve had with Cadet’s development. We’ve seen a handful of doctors, he’s been tested, we have a diagnosiswe have seen words lost, and we have made progress.  Cadet has an amazing team of therapists, doctors, and teachers who are hard-working and knowledgeable.

And everyone who works with him has been amazed with his progress, especially over the last three months. This kid is blooming! McRuger and I have seen a big difference in how Cadet communicates with us and others. His tantrums and frustrations are nearly non-exsistant (unless he’s tired/sick). He’s a happy kid, who is using words together, playing with kids, interacting with adults, and is learning to control his stimming behaviors.

He has therapy or “school” every day of the week. Most days he has two appointments to go to. Playdates are hard to schedule, some days start really early, there’s always more things that we are working on, and new things to learn. Cadet’s energy level is high, even for a kid his age. He needs time to run, jump, throw, bounce, and dance. And even after he’s tired, he needs time to wind-down and feel balanced again. There are some days he refuses to sleep. Some days, he’s testing boundaries constantly (welcome to toddler-hood). I talk constantly to him; narrating what’s happening around us or what we’re doing. In the car, we are either talking or listening to NPR (because that’s where I get my news). We still have good and bad days (of course).

But…but…but…we have “mama” back!!!! He now asks for me, often saying “excuse me, mama”. When he’s upset and in McRuger’s arms…he’ll reach for me saying “mama” over and over again. In the morning, when he hears me coming down the hall, he’ll say “mama” and I will say his name/nickname…and he’ll giggle wildly. He’s even said “Love you” to me on a few occasions (it sounds like “dove 0000h”).

He’s started ordering Em (the dog) around. Telling her to go to the bedroom or go outside. Before Cadet leaves the house, he says “good bye” to his toys. He’s asking for the names of things, and tries to imitate the sounds. He knows his colors, he can count to 10 (although “one” is often missing), and he understands pretty much everything I say. When we’re shopping, or at the doctor’s, or even just taking a walk…Cadet waves and says “hello” to everyone he sees. He engages in imaginative play occasionally, even feeding his dolls and trucks. It’s not just progress, it’s a good deal of forward movement.

The thing is, most people wouldn’t understand 75% of his words. Last week, Rose came over and we went to the beach (Cadet had the day off of school). While she noted that she saw quite a bit more “words”, some of them were indistinguishable to her. And, that’s common, and very okay. His teachers and therapists occasionally have difficulty with certain words. For instance, when Cadet wants me to move and go with him, he says “oooo-vuh” or when he wants to play with his trains, he’ll say “Tee” over and over again. His speech therapist and I are working hard to get him to say more words in context…at this point it only matters that the intention is there.

And that’s what this part of his journey is all about…intention. The fact that Cadet wants to communicate and wants others to understand him is a huge deal. He is engaged in the world around him, and learning more and more each day.

I asked his OT on Friday, where she predicted he’d be in 5 years. She smiled and shook her head: “He’s going to be great. He’s got plenty of brains and lots of curiosity. That’s pretty much the ballgame. I’d say he will look and act like most other kids, because he’s going to learn how to control his sensory needs.”

Is he still delayed? Yep. Absolutely, compared to a majority of kids his age. Mostly speech, but it’s clear he’s got the cognitive power to work through that. This week, we will have a team meeting to discuss where Cadet is and observations about his progress. I will also get the results of the latest bout of testing done by his teachers. From there, we’ll refine his goals for the next six months.

Does he really have autism? To be honest, no one knows at this point. He certainly has the communication and sensory problems that are typical for kids with ASD. But, in pretty much all other categories, he’s a pretty normal kid. When we last saw Dr. Smiles (Cadet’s pediatrician), he was amazed at how “un-autistic” Cadet was. Cadet was engaged, curious, and verbal…even saying “Hi Doctor” and “Bye Doctor” appropriately. We’re currently thinking he simply has SPD (sensory processing disorder), but only time will tell.

In the world of “special needs”, it’s said over and over again that it’s important to focus on the child…not the diagnosis. I do that, every day. Cadet isn’t a diagnosis. McRuger and I spend a lot of time focusing on what Cadet needs. We have a rhythm. We’re moving (fast) in a forward direction. And, like I said, we have “mama” back.

Categories: autism, Cadet, developmental delay, doctors, health, McRuger, SPD | 12 Comments

Out of touch…

We have been out of touch with MsJ now for many months. I find myself wondering if we will ever hear from her again. I continue to occasionally e-mail, text, and send letters…but nothing comes back. The last time she disappeared on us, she had gone back to a criminal lifestyle. I have been worried that, but nothing had popped up on the law enforcement sites I checked.

Then, two days ago, I got an e-mail updating me on her “supervision status” (after the last time she disappeared, I signed up for this free service from the state prison system). She’s got another warrant out for her arrest, for skipping on her parole (a technical charge). She only had 5 months left of parole before she was free to do anything she wanted. Now, she’s back at the mercy of the criminal justice system.

From what I’ve read, a “technical” parole warrant is considered pretty light fare in the justice system in her state…versus a “re-offended” warrant. It could mean that she simply moved without prior approval or it could mean that she has stopped meeting her “supervision” requirements. Chances are that she’ll just have to pay a bond, and everything will be okay…but there’s also the outside chance that she’ll have to go back to prison (it depends on the technicality). And there’s also a possibility that this means she’s started re-offending again.

I walk this strange line of not wanting to invade her privacy, yet wanting to do what I can to stay in touch with her. The benefits to Cadet (and MsJ) of an open adoption are indisputable. And while we live across the country from MsJ, we still have hopes of having a close relationship. But it’s becoming clear that in order to try to have any sort of relationship with her, I need to involve myself in her life to a degree.

How do I navigate this in the most honest, open, and respectful way? Is it possible for me to do something that I’m not already doing? At some point, do I just give up? We are less than three years into this adoption, and already I feel like I’m working much harder to keep any sort of relationship going than she is. Which, I suppose, is her choice. But, I’m aware every time we miss a holiday or milestone, that she’s not part of it. That pains me. And, in the back of my head, I worry about how I’m going to talk about this with Cadet. How will I tell him about her prison time, her falling out of communication, or her lack of promises kept? I know, with every fibre of my being, that she loves him fiercely. It was evident when I met her. It was evident when I talked with her. I want him to know that love. I want him to feel how strong that is. I don’t want him to ever think that he wasn’t wanted or that she didn’t love him.

I was told recently by a fellow adoptive parent (via an online forum) that I “have it easy”, because I am not really in an open adoption. I nearly stopped breathing from the laughter that followed that statement. Easy? Easy? How is this easy? One day Cadet is going to have questions about his biological family…and without a connection to MsJ, how in the world am I going to help him? It’s not as if I stop thinking about MsJ because we’re not in contact, quite the opposite.

I’ve ready about adoptive parents closing adoptions or not wanting birth parent involvement. I want to shout at them, shake them, and slap some sense into them. Don’t they realize how much they will miss out on? Don’t they realize how selfish they are being? They simply don’t understand how much that relationship means!

So, at this point, I am waiting. Waiting for news from MsJ or the prison system. Waiting for inspiration to strike. Waiting for something. I’m sure something will happen…good or bad. In the meantime, I occasionally open up Cadet’s box of letters from MsJ (the letters she sent to us from prison) and read parts of them to him. He may not hear her voice, but I hope he will hear her love for him.

Categories: Adoption, Cadet, Choices, thoughts | Tags: , , , | 7 Comments

A little of this and that

I can’t believe the weekend is almost over. Nothing seriously exciting has happened in the last week. We have all been recovering from a little cold. McRuger has a bone spur in his heel that has been bothering him. Cadet has had a few rough days of dysregulation. But, all-in-all, things have been normal.

I heard from MissS once more earlier in the week. It was a simple text saying: “I promise to take care of babygirl”. I mailed off the baby clothes and supplies to MissS, and it felt good to get that taken care of. Our lawyers have been returning various deposits, and it is really wonderful not to have to fight for it.

Our FBI fingerprints expired recently and so McRuger and I made the trip to get those re-done, which prompted a conversation about home study updates and what comes next. Which culminated in a dinner of pho and not much progress on “what happens next”…besides just more waiting.

In this middle of this week, I got an e-mail from Lawyers A and B. They wanted to extend their gratitude about how “gracefully” we’ve “handled” the adoption falling through. I’m not sure what they were expecting….as if tears, angry phone calls, or threats would change anything. MissS decided to parent her child. While I can be disappointed, I certainly don’t have the right to be angry about anything. The e-mail went on to say that they are excited about the future and what it holds for us.


To be honest with you, this week has been hard. Cadet has been under the weather, which has lead to some dysregulation for Cadet. Cadet’s dysregulation episodes are tough to handle sometimes. We actually had to cancel one of his speech therapy sessions because he wasn’t in a good space. I’ve spent a lot of time snuggling with him, calming him, and re-directing his energy. I think he was pretty upset with my trips to State X and being gone so long. His OT and I agree that it will probably take some time to get him back to normal.

However, with him being sick (trip to the doctor tomorrow), it will take him even longer to feel normal…sigh….


We’ve been watching some of the Olympics, which has been lovely. Even though McRuger isn’t a huge fan, I have fond memories from childhood and college of watching the games. So far watching the ice skating team competition was pretty amazing! Although the biathlons, slope style, and skiathalon have been cool to watch!


In writing news, I’m making progress on my romance novel. I’ve sent out a few chapters to three people at this point. I’ve had some good and constructive feedback. It was scary to put myself out there, but I’ve been encouraged by the response. I’ve made McRuger read it a few times, and even he was impressed! So the work continues.


I haven’t done much blogging recently, and I’m sorry about that. My time has just been divided by so many other things!!

Categories: Adoption, Cadet, Household, McRuger | 5 Comments

How do I feel?

I’ve been asked that question several times in the last 24 hours: by parents, McRuger, siblings, and Lawyer A. How do I feel?

It’s a hard question to answer.

First of all, this was never our baby. This is MissS’s baby, always has been. Sure, we may have helped come up with a name, spent some time with MissS, spent a good deal of money on travel, and bought essentials….but this was not our baby. My good friend, Robyn, wrote a great blog post about just this question.  McRuger and I had many discussions about keeping our neutrality during the matching process. And, I think we did a great job at keeping that fact in our sights.

Mostly, I feel resigned. MissS and I had many conversation about how she wanted this baby out of the ghetto, out of the drama, and to have a chance going to college without several pregnancies or jail time getting in the way (as is the family tradition thus far). MissS talked about how she wanted more for her life with ZGirl. Will MissS, ZGirl, and babygirl ever achieve those dreams? I hope so, but I also know it will be that much harder with two kids and no familial support.

I don’t feel mad. I don’t feel cheated. I have a lot of sadness in my heart…a lot of it for MissS. I know that her boyfriend (and I use that term insanely loosely) will likely not be there for MissS for very long…not to mention he’s not the biological father and has a criminal history longer than my Kind.le reading list. But, I mostly feel saddened for babygirl, being born into such a chaotic, dangerous, and unjust part of society.

This morning at 2am, MissS texted me, begging for my forgiveness and saying she couldn’t go through with it once she held the baby. I texted her back that there was nothing to forgive, and asking her to do right by the baby as she moves forward. I also told her that they would always be in our prayers.

I’ve cried a few times. Mostly, I think, because this has been such an emotional roller coaster. Lots of drama, lots of money spent, and then more drama…the last few weeks haven’t been the easiest.


I chatted with Lawyer A yesterday, and we are officially “active” with them again. Our Lawyer in State X will be returning some of his retainer (but not all). And like that…we’re waiting again.

Life is slowly returning back to normal. I’ve informed everyone that the adoption fell through. My suitcase has been emptied and clothes have been put away. Laundry is being done. Any signs that a baby was on the way have mostly disappeared. And life continues on at a normal pace.

Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts! They are much appreciated.


Categories: Adoption | Tags: | 12 Comments

MissS makes her choice

Babygirl was born yesterday, we don’t know when. I knew something was amiss when MissS didn’t return my text message (with my travel plans). MissS called this morning to let us know she was conflicted about what to do. I had several short conversations with MissS early this morning. The labor was hard, but both baby and mom are doing fine. Which is great! MissS’s phone kept cutting out and several calls dropped.

I woke McRuger to discuss what to do. I texted Lawyer A to let her know what was going on. I texted MissS and gave her my heartfelt congrats on having a healthy baby. Lawyer A called MissS and texted me back. Lawyer A said that MissS will most likely parent.

McRuger and I had a moment of grieving for babygirl and what might have been. I’m sure I will have a few more sad moments before the day is over. But the grief will be short-lived, as I know MissS will try hard to be the best parent she can be. I asked that McRuger stay home from work today, just so we can have some time together. We had a date night planned anyway, so it will just extend it a bit.

Not going to lie, this isn’t coming as a galloping shock to either of us. I knew that this was coming. Her family has continued to pressure her to not place the child. MissS told me that despite the pressure to parent, not one of them had showed up when the baby was born…or since. Her boyfriend (released from prison recently) and his sister were there. MissS hasn’t told him that he’s not the biological father yet. Not sure how that’s going to go over, but it’s no longer my business.

So, that’s it. We’ve had a failed adoption. Statistically, most adoptive parents go through at least one. Please send your thoughts MissS and babygirl, they have a lot to go through over the upcoming days and months.


Categories: Other Stuff | 19 Comments

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