Sunday Update…

McRuger made it home safe from Asia on Thursday morning! YAY!! It has been so great to have him home. He took Friday off for recovery and we’ve had a very low-key weekend.

On Saturday, we toured a Waldorf-inspired K-6th school. Expensive! For 2 day a week program (half days) it would be over $1000 a month…not including the annual $1800 enrollment/supplies/activities fee. Ouch. Yeah. We both vetoed that place pretty quick. And not just from a financial standpoint. It would have meant a 20 minute drive and because of Cadet’s “special needs” we would have to hire an aide to be with him every moment. Uhhh, not happening.

However, the place was incredibly diverse. The main teacher is from Africa, and the other teachers are from Japan, China, Mexico, and one is from India. There are kids from all over the world at the school: Germany, England, Australia, and Finland! Holy Cow! That was really the only selling point to me!

Mostly we took the tour, just to see what was available. And I’m glad we did. We spent a lot of the time discussing what Cadet really needs, and how we can provide that at home.


Saturday evening proved to be challenging for me. I had a major anxiety attack.

Back in March when we had our physicals, my Liver Enzyme blood work came back elevated. Not by much, but a little. In May, I was tested again, and they were even higher. Nothing in the “danger zone”, but certainly unusual for someone who doesn’t drink/smoke/take large amounts of meds/eat much meat.

So my doctor sent me for an ultrasound. It came back relatively normal, but I have some fatty deposits around my liver. She also gave me a referral to see a gastroenterologist.

Sufficed to say, I haven’t seen the specialist yet. I’ve scheduled the appointment 3 times, but canceled every time. Life has just gotten in the way: sickness, travel, and then Cadet getting sick.

During this time, I’ve occasionally been having “itching” spells. Where my feet and hands itch badly for a few days. Occasionally, the itching will spread to my stomach, face, chest, or back. At first, I thought it was a reaction to my lotion, but now I think it’s tied to my liver stuff.┬áMy doctor and McRuger have forbidden me to use “Dr. Google” for anything. Mostly because it makes me more paranoid that I’m dying of some horrible thing…and I’m not.

So, McRuger is going to make a new appointment for me on Monday. He’s not going to tell me when it is, until the morning of….just so I don’t have massive panic attacks.

Back to Saturday night. Cadet was in bed. McRuger and I were watching a little TV as I did some crafting (needle felted stars, baby). And all of the sudden, I was thinking about what happens if I die. Then, within a matter of minutes, I was planning my funeral and silently crying….as I was crafting.

For those of you who don’t suffer from anxiety, imagine slowly drowning in your own imagination. And that’s what Saturday night was for me…slowly drowning as I pictured Cadet’s life without me and McRuger’s tears at my funeral. Awful, I know.

Thankfully, McRuger caught on to what was happening, and we talked (or, in my case, sobbed). The rest of the night was lots of crying…it sucked.


Today I am much better, although tired…because sleeping last night was nearly impossible.

We went to the Farmer’s Market, and I picked up some broccoli, carrots, apples, chilis, and some apple butter.


How are you all doing?

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Categories: Anxiety/Worry, doctors, health, McRuger | 4 Comments

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4 thoughts on “Sunday Update…

  1. Oh my friend. One time we should really talk in person about our anxiety and the what ifs that would turn our nights into sad sad moments. Big hugs, Fran

  2. I suffer from anxiety too… and a whole slew of other psych issues but after being on meds for 10 years, I’ve decided to try to cope with things myself. Lifestyle changes, watching out for signs, and a really supportive partner helps. My husband is very patient with me and he understands because he’s also suffering from anxiety. He however takes Zoloft to cope. Before we got together, I told him upfront that I cry a lot – for no particular reason.

    These days I take to blogging about frivolous and happy things to help me focus on the big picture, think about the good stuff that’s happening and also relax. Some people think it’s a form of escapism but hey, whatever works!

  3. Yikes. So sorry to hear school is so expensive. That is something (more) I am very grateful here in Finland, schools are free and there isn’t private schools. There are a few “specialty” schools, mostly in the way of languages or music, dance, etc, but those are free also, even if you have to test into them or it is a lottery to get in.

    Sorry for the sad thoughts and anxiety. I have had nights like that where my thoughts just overwhelm me and I’m in uncontrollable tears. I hope you are feeling better now.

    I found out about my job situation later this week…so things will be better, one way or another soon.

  4. Wait, it isn’t normal to constantly be unable to stop envisioning your death or that of someone you love? Apparently I have anxiety :) (Actually I know I do… you aren’t alone!)

    I wish it weren’t so expensive for you to get Cadet into a school and allow him the best opportunities to thrive, but I feel sure that you will be on top of things no matter where he ends up, including homeschooling. He’s obviously in great hands.

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