Adoption Updates…on many fronts

This will be a bit of a scattered post, but “adoption” is the common theme….

Update One: We haven’t heard from MsJ in over a month. I’ve texted her several times, but haven’t heard anything. I’ve sent an e-mail and even called her. But, nothing. I worry that she’s in trouble again. I have every faith in her, but I know life is hard.¬†At this point, I’m just waiting to see what happens next. She knows how to reach out to us, and I don’t want to intrude on her life. I’ll send a Christmas card and a little care package around the same time. I continue to send her my thoughts and best wishes, and hope you all can do the same!!

Update Two: The law firm finally gave us a “thumbs up” on the zillionth draft of our profile. Sheesh! So, we sent it off and got a very cursory e-mail back thanking us. That was a month ago, and no communication since then. I was kind of hoping that somehow having an active profile would make the communication happen a bit more frequently, but I was apparently wrong.

Update Three: McRuger and I have had several conversations about Adoption #2 and what it means in terms of Cadet’s needs and his future. It’s been hard to contemplate (after all this work) that #2 might not be in our best interest. Yes, we want Cadet to have a sibling. Yes, we would love to have a second child. However, given Cadet’s delays…is it fair to child #2 or Cadet? It’s a question we really don’t have an answer to yet, it is something we’re discussing on an ongoing basis. I’m asking a lot of questions to myself and McRuger, even seeking out the advice of other moms who have children with delays, and trying to come to peace with whatever we decide (before we decide it).

So there ya have it!


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Categories: Adoption, Cadet, McRuger | 9 Comments

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9 thoughts on “Adoption Updates…on many fronts

  1. Oh my gosh, that’s so worrying about Ms J. I really hope she is well.

  2. chrissy

    Think of all the positives a sibling could teach cadet… my son with autism is almost 14… he shows so much love and paients towards his sisters ..some of who are adopted… don’t focus so much on his delays things have an amazing way of working out

  3. I hope MsJ is okay and that she reconnects with you guys before long! That is worrying.

    And that must be such a difficult discussion about whether having a sibling is in Cadet’s best interest. All I will say is that having two children really isn’t in anyone’s best interest. It is sooo much work, sooo tiring and draining. But I wouldn’t trade it for anything! And somehow we always manage.

  4. It’s hard to know where the line is isn’t it? We’ve been going through a little bit of that too. Hang in there.

    I gave you a bloggy award! Check it out on my last post.

  5. Though V doesn’t have special needs, I can totally understand why it’s a lot to consider. It’s a lot to consider for us. Sometimes we wonder about the type of life we will be able to provide for V if we have to take so much money to adopt again. So I am sure your decision has even more to it. I can see how having another baby around might make routines more difficult to establish, etc… But I am sure having a sibling could have benefits too. Is delaying it a possibility? Just because I read your last post about having a better idea of where Cadet is in two years. Just a thought. Thinking of you though. It’s a LOT to consider. I am also sorry to hear about Ms J. I’m sure she will come around.

  6. My brother, who is 18 months older than me, is autistic. Granted we grew up overseas in a rural African village that has a totally different culture and value set than the US, but I think it was good for my parents (and big brother) to have me added to the family. :) And I certainly appreciated it, lol. They also didn’t know when I was born that he would have hurdles to overcome, so it’s not exactly the same thing as deciding to adopt again in your situation.
    As a mom of two adopted kiddos, I will say that parenting two is much harder than one, but I’m sure I would think that parenting 3 is harder than two, and on and on. Doesn’t mean I don’t want #3 or #4, etc, just that I know I will be even more tired, stretched thin, but also more joyful because I will be privileged to know and parent another soul.
    There are always trade-offs, but I think having a sibling (in my case a special needs sibling) has made my life richer, made me more empathetic, and more aware than I would have been otherwise. And I think my brother has enjoyed having me around. :)
    The other thing I wanted to add was that I will be around probably longer than my parents (barring a tragedy) to help care for my brother. We plan on having my parents and my brother move into our home (or build on), and specifically chose the house we’re in now with that in mind. I’m not saying at all that you should adopt again so that Cadet has a future caretaker. I just want you to know that my parents appreciate knowing that if something happens to them, my brother is not on his own, and while that is not anywhere near their reasoning in having me, it has turned out to be an added benefit.

  7. I hope MsJ is ok….please post an update as soon as you hear, I know it must be heartbreaking to think she may have lost her way again.

    On adoption I cannot help much, I do think though that having another child to play with in the house will be great for Cadet, however it will definitely be hard for you. It’s really hard for me and I don’t have a toddler with delays. But think of all those normal people that just get pregnant, surely they all seem to manage just fine, I have no doubt that you will be spectacular and give your whole heart to tow children the same way as you are doing with one (remember the heart gets bigger, you don’t have to half what you give to Cadet). Love, Fran

  8. My son is not delayed, but he is definitely a high-needs kid. He rages, he storms, he needs a lot of attention. We had a lot of hard talks about having a second child. My partner only went along because I said it was a deal breaker for me. I grew up an only and hated it. In the end… even she is glad we did it. Are there moments when we feel stretched thin? Absolutely. But I think that having a sibling has been overall extremely positive for P’ito. And I watch them giggling together, all the anguish we went through to get Posey is absolutely worth it. Happy to talk about it more with you if you want offline – drop me an email.

  9. I’ve been giving this a lot of thought. I know at least 7 families who have children with special needs – 1 kid who was born at 20 weeks’ gestation who will forever be an 18-month old (my cousin, actually), 2 kids with Asperger’s, 3 kids with autism and developmental delays, 1 kid with Down’s Syndrome, and 1 kid with “sensory issues.” All of these families have more than one child. One family has 2 kids with special needs. In most families, the oldest kid is the special needs kid, but in one family he’s the second and in one he’s the third. In the families that have the kids with the highest special needs, the second child ends up helping out a lot. In the other families, I haven’t personally noticed that the second (or third, fourth, or fifth) child has experienced too much loss of parental attention. In most of the families, the parents knew of the child’s needs before they had other kids.

    This is what I think: If everything goes as it should, Cadet will outlive you and McRuger. Even though I can’t stand my sister, having her during my mother’s death and funeral was helpful and heartening. If Cadet has a sibling, that sibling should be able to understand Cadet in a way that others will not. That would be true even if Cadet didn’t have any special needs, but will be more important because he does. When you’re gone, a sibling can provide valuable support.

    I’m a big proponent of siblings. My husband is an only child, and I know that concerns him when it comes to “what’s going to happen to my parents” issues. On the other hand, he doesn’t have to worry about his sibling conning his parents into leaving the house to her. (Yeah, I totally suspect my sister would do that. And yet, I’d still keep her. Weird.)

    As for money and resource issues, there are so many people who raise more kids on not-so-much money, and they do OK. As most people know, it takes more than money to raise children.

    So, basically, I think you should adopt again.

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